i don`t like the drugs

new journal.

2005-01-23T20:59:42Z

www.livejournal.com/~xx___cigarettes
add me and i`ll add you back =] ♥

brokenxdoll_187 @ 2005-01-20T17:04:00

2005-01-20T22:13:29Z

so this boy ryan told me he`d call me tonight ; so i`m waiting. i think he`s pretty cool + he goes to my school. wow that rhymed.

tell me why i like ryan but i still can`t get my mind off of travis. haven`t talked to him in a few days. okay maybe just like 2 days. but thats a record for me. =[ it hurts to pick up my phone and push in the numbers out of habit and then have to close my phone and not hit send. i`ve done this about 10 times now. and everytime it bums me out even more.

but i`m saying i like ryan. and that`s my focus. ♥

it was your careless eyes that strayed away.

brokenxdoll_187 @ 2005-01-19T17:04:00

2005-01-19T22:10:02Z

please don`t ask me what`s wrong anymore. that`s all anyone has asked me today. "katelyn, are you okay." "katelyn, whats wrong" NO, I`M NOT OKAY! MY HEART HURTS AND I CANT STOP CRYING.

brokenxdoll_187 @ 2005-01-17T21:48:00

2005-01-18T02:52:33Z

on the phone with tye♥ ;
he just told me he`s naked

morgan.

2005-01-18T01:11:50Z

scream at me a7x: do you really love him?

Auto response from octobersxxdecay:
truly broken. truly hurting.

octobersxxdecay: who are you talking about
scream at me a7x: travis?
octobersxxdecay: yeah i really do.
scream at me a7x: yah i read yur livejournal
octobersxxdecay: i told myself i didn`t and i told him i hated him, but it`s come down to the fact that i really can`t see myself without him.
scream at me a7x: yah
octobersxxdecay: but its kinda too late b/c two nights ago he told me that he couldn`t hurt me anymore and then he was like i cant talk to you anymore and you`ll always be in my heart, but i cant make you sad like this. and then he said goodbye and yah he hasnt answered my calls or watever n he blocked my sn.
scream at me a7x: why dont you go bak out with him
octobersxxdecay: idk. i asked him to just try, but he says that he cant.
octobersxxdecay: or he says nothing at all
octobersxxdecay: i would, but he wont.
scream at me a7x: oh\
octobersxxdecay: and idk why b/c he said he still cares. so it makes no sense
scream at me a7x: yah
octobersxxdecay: idk, im not gonna call him anymore though b/c i mean, he doesnt answer and its pointless. and if he unblocks me then i guess i`ll im him, but i doubt he will.
scream at me a7x: yah

just try?

2005-01-17T01:25:27Z

today i went to church. went to see dreadz, he was sleeping so i think i`m going back tomorrow. i cried today in the car on the way to get my phone. my mom was being mean to me again. and i just started crying. i cried for everything i can`t say. i cried for dreadz, i cried for travis, i cried for my brothers, i cried for my fucked up family, i cried for who i used to be. and then i got my new phone and then i cacme home. and now im talking to derrick telling him what to say to travis. and im crying again. just because i dont want to say goodbye and because i never wanted to let go. and because i just broke my own heart. man i never used to cry. but now it seems like thats all i do and it just hurts to not even know why i cry. or have the words to say. and if i have the words i dont say them.

i`ll always wait for you.

a letter to travis.

2005-01-16T03:14:08Z

THE FINAL GOODBYE ♥

last night i went to a show, while in the bathroom with alexis sitting on the sink i realized how over we are. i do care for you, i always will. but i no longer want to be with you. i want out. i don`t want these feelings that i know are always going to be here. i questioned myself last night again with the what ifs ;

what if i never held back and said exactly what i meant everytime? what if i never talked to you again after that day in april when you left? what if i had never spilled my guts to you or pushed down my walls? what if i never met you?

but then i realized i can`t question myself. everytime i do, i feel like a real fucktard. and i`m sick and tired of being so optimistic over you. the truth is, you my dear are never going to come back. we are never going to be us again. you and me are no longer we. its katelyn and travis. it was supposed to be goodbye a long time ago. i needed to let go months ago. there`s no love. just hurt. i don`t mean to hurt him, i`m not quite sure if he means to hurt me or not. but whatever.

there`s nothing left, so take the rest, you`re draining me

i am letting go of my old habits of running to him. i can`t allow myself to let him in like before, its not his place. it cant be. old habits die hard. i used to be the queen of forgive and forget, but i haven`t found a way to forgive him yet. i probably will always blame him for this broken girl i see now. i blame him for my busy dizzy life of going out and getting high and following the latest trends while shedding all my oldest friends, its been weeks worth of weekends, when fake ids and fake passions are my best friends. i blame him for my tradgedy. but in reality it was my fault. i let him walk away and didn`t go after him. but he never wanted me to come after him anyways. im over it. no im not. but im going to be. very very soon. no more contact, unless he wants it. its not that i miss him really, i miss who he used to be, especially when it comes out in him sometimes. yes it`s still heart shattering. and i cried you know. but its hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time. so i`ll side with nothing for the moment. there is no good in goodbye. but it has to be this way. he needs help, and i just make it worse, by taunting him and throwing everything in his face.

one day down the line i might see you and your eyes might try to search for mine, but i`ll look away, you`re eyes are no longer the only thing that can save me, i`m too afraid of them piercing and you breaking into my prison, i will look away.

i`m reconstructing this broken heart, i wanted you to help me put the pieces back together, you won`t. i know you won`t so i have given up on this. i`m replacing this giant hole of "emptiness waiting for travis" with loving my family and friends and myself. i pushed you out. i wish it didn`t have to end on this note. but it does. you will never apologize, and neither will i. we`ll never forgive one another and never be anything more than enemies who occasionally screw each other over. and that bites it big time, and i wont stand to hurt you or have you hurt me. you are too fragile and you make me become far too crazy. maybe when you get help and i have my time to myself away from you, we can become friends again, maybe not. we shall have to see if we even want to be friends, right now i don`t. if you want a friendship, make me change my mind.

brokenxdoll_187 @ 2005-01-14T14:43:00

2005-01-14T19:48:45Z

and it hurts so much i can`t breathe.
well i now have to go to school all day everyday. yay.
jonathan`s mom shot him. he`s in ccu. i will see him.
i am going to a show tonite with alexis.
and i miss jaime a lot.

GOD HOW I WANT TO SEE YOU.

brokenxdoll_187 @ 2005-01-12T19:31:00

2005-01-13T00:38:01Z

yesterday ; skipped the whole day. went to target w/ alexis and we so got kicked out b/c we got in a water gun fight, so we bullshitted around until 11:30 when we went back up to school, i got paul`s keys from him, and me and lexi went to his car and totally fell asleep. he woke us up at 12:20 and we went to dustins, but jaime was back from court and i noticed his car as we drove by so me and baby lexi went to his crizzle. hung there until 7, smoked some treeeee. took lexi home, went back to his crizzle and he smoked up again. and then bumm bumm bumm, i fell asleep in his arms and woke up in his arms ♥

february 8th is gonna be a bitch.

brokenxdoll_187 @ 2005-01-11T09:55:00

2005-01-11T15:05:02Z

1. FIRST NAME? MARY.
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? aunt.
3. YOU WISH ON STARS? everynight
4. WHICH FINGER IS YOUR FAVORITE? My middle one
5. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? last night
6. DO YOU LIKE HANDWRITIng? mine.. no way
7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? no idea
8. ANY BAD HABITS? smoking
9. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF? NSYNC
10. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? definately
11. ARE YOU A DAREDEVIL? Sometime
12. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE YOU WOULDN'T TELL? Everyone has
13. DO LOOKS MATTER? Not generally
14. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? Non-healthy ways.
15. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? i dont got one
16. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY? Absolutely not.
17. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? Barbies.
18. WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DO YOU THINK IS TOTALLY USELESS? all of them
19. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? fo sho
20. DO YOU USE SARCASM? See above answer.
21. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT? No. Dont want to be.
22. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A WOMAN/MAN? A brain.
23. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? Ang, Andy, Dre.
24. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Yup.
25. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No. Some shoes are tied specifically so that I can slip them on as well.
26. DO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE STRONG? Sometimes.
27. SHOE SIZE? Anywhere between 8-9. Depends on the shoe.
28. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE? All 4. Im too scared to get them taken out.
29. WHO DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW? No one really. Everyone I am close to is right here.
31. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Sublime - Boss D.J.
32. WHAT'S THE LAST THING YOU ATE? mac and cheese... WITH KETCHUP <---- That is nasty. I ate some homemade lasagna.
33. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? kelly
34. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? idk
35. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? stoel it.
36. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? all things considered im doing just fine
37. EYE COLOR? Greenish yellow. My eyes are weird.
38. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nope.
39. SIBLINGS? a few
40. FAVORITE MONTH? april
41. FAVORITE FOOD? idk
42. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? drop dead gorgeous
43. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? 4//20
44 ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? no
45. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Scary Movies
46. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? One night stands
47. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? CiLLA
48. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? i dont read.

well exciting i`m out likea fat kid in dodgeball &stars;

@ t c c

2005-01-11T14:59:32Z

okay, so i just got home from PA. whatever. i`m in the library at tcc w/ alexis, yes i`m supposed to be in school, but i am not. haven`t gone to even one class today. i hope jaime doesn`t go to jail i adore him way too much for that to happen to me. =\ whatever. paul and me = hangout today? maybe with kelly. not sure. if not i`ll be home at 2:30. you know me. same ole pimpcess. not monogamous at all. ♥ katelyn.

brokenxdoll_187 @ 2005-01-07T08:11:00

2005-01-07T13:15:20Z

consider me a runaway. ♥
i`m leaving in 10 minutes. bye.

last nite

2005-01-07T01:56:44Z

yesterday i went to kellys after school, had to come home to move a tree, kelly and paul were mad. then i went to jaime`s. i hung out for a long time. watched anchorman and mad tv. had cuddle time. and smoked something. ♥ we had fun. but not like that. heh. then i came home and went to bed, today i saw ryan and kate and it was fucking awesome ♥ now i`m on the phone with kelly

i wish my life was in your hands, because i know you`d have me dead.

2005-01-05T00:59:39Z

DELETED ; i erased you.

i`ve got stars in my eyes.

2005-01-03T23:51:05Z

DELETED ; i erased you.

i`m back.

2005-01-03T01:14:20Z

holidays are over im back

here`s the breif on my life

♥ belly button=pierced

bleh.

2004-12-21T21:01:08Z

HiATUS.
reasons are as follows
; grounded until after the christmas break
; i just don`t have the time to sneak on...
; i don`t feel like updating until after xmas.

so expect me back in maybe 2 to 3 weeks.

oh P.S. this might be friends only soon enough.
so maybe you should comment and be my friend...

P.P.S. who ever asked me for my sn a couple entries back
and said they were an old friend and would not leave a
name please kindly leave one here, or im me and tell me
who you are.... thanks. ♥

brokenxdoll_187 @ 2004-12-14T22:06:00

2004-12-15T03:09:26Z

tomorrow.. iss with the kateanator... i love my best friend so much

brokenxdoll_187 @ 2004-12-14T18:11:00

2004-12-14T23:20:04Z

DELETED ; i erased you.

somethin, anythin

2004-12-14T23:11:13Z

DELETED ; i erased you.

i`ll let it pass and hold my tongue, and you will think that i`ve moved on.

2004-12-14T02:04:32Z

today was cool. i guess.
hung w/ ry, kate, and jaime & the
swim team cuz i went to practice&
then i went back to jaime`s to be
with him for a few hours. sumthin
is just wrong, and i can`t figure
out what it is. is it cuz hes old
or is it cause i like someone els

this weekend sucked ass

2004-12-13T01:04:24Z

i saw. kate, donnie, krystl, anthony, peanut,
ryan, jimbo, joe brown, aron, ivan, josh, yo!
and like ten more kids that i`m not so tight,
with like, taryn- thats my girl yo!! and all
of the other swimmers. oh and i saw maverick
as well. i spent saturday at kates b/c my gp
died... man that sucked. ALOT! idk.. i cried
ALOT!! but today was better b/c i got it off
of my mind, with the help of kate, and then.

DELETED ; i erased you.

it only comes out when she writes.

2004-12-11T04:58:47Z

DELETED ; i erased you.

brokenxdoll_187 @ 2004-12-10T23:10:00

2004-12-11T04:17:19Z

today was pretty hott. at first it was shitty b/c i went to court at 9AM and had to sit until 11:20 AM. just to spend 3 minutes in front of a judge for him to tell me i have 6 months probation, 300 dollar fine, and 40 hrs comm service. but i have until june13 for the two things... yeh w/e. so then i go up to school, just to meet kate and then we go to ryans and peanut comes over too. then we go around or w/e and then taryn came over, we went to take kate home, and then me pnut ryan n taryn went to hometown heros for pool, hott wings, and pizza. we went to get jimbo and some burr and so we do that and then go back to pnuts to watch a poruguese movie? idk it was sad... then ry left and me and peanut smoked a bowl. and we took jimbo home and then me home. the end ♥

kate was singing this one song today and it was like .. all things considered i`m doing just fine... with a hole the size of texas in my heart... something like that. anyone have any clue? its country. ?

some 100s.

2004-12-10T01:56:44Z

mkkay. so today i went to school all day, until lunch when my dad randomly rolled up. whatever. i went to practice, but i decided to go with peanut, kate, and ryan instead, so they picked me up from the rec and we chilled all day. then we went to cicis to eat w/ the swim team, and then we took kate home and i got home at like 8:40. whatever. today was cool.

HAPPY BiRTHDAY PEANUT i LOVE YOU <3 </>
ohh peanuts real name is jaime, just to inform you.